Hell should be divided into levels. I know it seems like a weird suggestion but hear me out. If a person’s greatest sin in life is sleeping with his friend’s spouse, don’t you think it will be a little unfair for him to burn the same way as – say – Osama? It would be a good thing for that reason I think that we have several levels in hell to deal with the various kinds of sinners we have.
Firewood splitters – These should be the work of all those little goody two shoes who pretend to be holier than thou and still end up in hell. Ain’t nothing better than have them at the entrance of hell so that everyone coming in can at least giggle and mutter, "So you are here too? Is it an exchange programme or something?"
These ones should not burn. They should be splitting firewood at the entrance because the ridicule would be enough punishment. The blisters will also work also as a constant reminder of how much a pain they were on earth!
Smoking Zone – Petty sinners should go here. People who steal tweets, cock-jackers – ie those boys who ensure that you will not get the girl despite the fact that there is a bigger chance of Sonkkow growing a brain than them ever getting the girl, and those annoying morons who annoy the crap out of everyone at a party by suggesting that the music volume should be turned down.
On the grill – Here we can throw in mid-level sinners. People who did more than their fair share of sinning and telling everyone to go to hell at the slightest provocation. And that is basically the average me and you, give or take a few beers. From people who slept with their best friend’s girl, people who embezzled relief food, people who produced Bachette and allied crippled tunes that rape our ears every day, and basically every other mid-level sinner. We can also throw in those cops ambao waliekelea mutu Bonoko na hakuwa mwizi. Huyo mutu ambaye alikuwa anauza makaa hapo ngala.
And of course Jaguar. We don’t want people trying to vuka border in hell so the grill should hold him.
Mutura zone – This will be a special section for men whose cucumbers were planted in the wrong gardens during their sojourn on earth. Am taking about the people who parked their huge cargo in small boots belonging to young boys. The Father Keyzeetos I mean, not to forget rapists and other members of TeamWeLikeWeirdSexActivities.
And also anyone who has ever caught his boy wanking and told him he was doing it all wrong and offered a helping hand.
All these people can get their cucumbers roasted here.
Furnace – This one is straight-forward. We can have politicians and all dirty lawyers here, For no reason. No one should burn more than them. One group oppresses the common man by bending the rule of law and the other oppresses him by asking for obscene amounts to straighten the bent laws.
Oh, and joining the list will also be anyone who sat in a meeting that decided to bring more soap operas to our television screens.
But that is just my opinion. …