Resumes! Or as I like to call them, lies hidden in professional language. Whenever I see a resume/CV, I always imagine a person looking for difficult words that scream NICE GUY and cramp them up onto an A4 document in a bid to appease potential employers.
Resumes are supposed to represent a person as close enough as possible so that a person unknown to them can make a near-accurate judgement about them. Tough luck. However as an employer, what you see is NOT what you will get because the words have changed meanings. Sample this …
1) Team-player : He plays for a team alright, his team.
2) Works well under-pressure : Waits for deadline day to start working then asks for overtime
3) Works with minimum supervision : Doesn’t want you to see that he tweets and FBs all day
4) Hardworking : Good at finding someone to blame.
5) Determined : Trait comes accompanied by its brother; Stupid. Dangerous combination.
6) Available : Jobless and currently living in his relative’s house who is now very impatient with him.
7) Responsible : Drinks responsibly during lunch break, except on Fridays when he wont come back
8) Competent : You have to teach him EVERYTHING. Twice!
9) Creative : He wants to come to work in jeans and a Tshirt with funny profane writings
10) People person : Will sleep with half the people in the office then ask for a transfer to another branch claiming people in the office hate them
11) Can work for long hours : Weed smoker and part time coffee junkie
12) Experienced : Knows how to open a mean looking excel sheet with tough looking figures to hide his porn tab and answer imaginary calls when you walk by
13) Highly Skilled : Can sleep with receptionist and the interns without any of them ever finding out they are being played.
14) Fast Learner : Doesn’t take notes during briefs and keeps calling every five minutes to clarify one last point.